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Coping with Divorce
Divorce can be the source of many different kinds of emotion. The first emotion is probably anger but, more often than not, intense sadness and even depression quickly follow. There are so many questions to be asked when parents tell their children that they are getting a divorce. Some of these questions can be answered, but sometimes even the parents don’t know exactly what went wrong. Reasons for divorce differ for every couple because every family interacts differently. Here are some things to think about that may help you deal with a divorce in your family:
Are your parents constantly fighting – Sometimes, even though parents love each other, they just can’t seem to live together. If this is the case, there may be a lot of fighting that cannot be explained easily. Though it is hard to accept, separation or divorce may be best for you and your parents. A harsh fighting environment is not good for anyone involved and getting out of it will be best for you in the long run.
Your parents may be getting a divorce, but they are not divorcing you – Even though your parents are no longer together, you are still a family. Remember that your parents are divorcing each other, but neither of them are divorcing you. In most cases you will be able to see both your mother and father quite a bit.
It's not your fault – There is nothing you did to make your parents get divorced. There is nothing you can do to make them get back together. If your parents get a divorce it is because they are not getting along. The least productive action you can take is trying to think of things that you did wrong.
Don’t blame one parent – It is very rare that a divorce is the fault of one person in the marriage. Choosing a side is not helpful in such a difficult time and it is not your job as their child. Try your best to stay neutral throughout the process so that you can continue to have a healthy relationship with both parents after a divorce.
Help – Though it may seem to you that your parents are being selfish by breaking up your family, they definitely care about your feelings. Divorce is very difficult for any child, but it is also hard for parents. Not only are they breaking a promise that they made to each other, they are breaking a promise that they made to you. Hurting their children is torture for most parents, so try to be supportive and recognize that your parents have tried to make things work.
Telling Your Parents What You Need
When you first find out that your parents are getting a divorce, it may help to make a list of things that you want or need from them. Some things that you may want to include on the list are:
Time Share: Request equal time with each parent to discuss how you are feeling
Stay Relevant: Mention that you only want to discuss the aspects of the divorce that will affect you. It is not necessary for each parent to give you details about what they dislike about the other parent. Telling you about these things can quickly turn into asking you to choose sides
Don’t Shoot the Messenger: Tell them up front that you do not intend to be the messenger between them. They are adults and even though they have been fighting, they should try for your sake to speak calmly regarding arrangements for the divorce and for continuing to be a family afterwards
Communication: Even though you are a child, you have a right to hear about the future of your family. Even long after the divorce is finished, it is important that you parents communicate with you on other big decisions like remarriage, moving out, custody, etc.
Consistency: Ask to keep as close to your normal daily routine as possible. With all of the changes that will be happening, it is important to have some consistency
Keep in mind that you can only request these things if you are willing to be mature, honest and forward about your feelings and the situation. Do not try to manipulate your parents just because they aren’t communicating enough. On the other hand, they are the adults so caring for you should be a main priority.
Helping a Friend or Sibling
It is always hard to find the right things to do or say when your friend is dealing with a difficult situation. It is also hard to be strong for a sibling when both of you are experiencing the same problem. Most of the time, it is best to deal with your feelings first. You may find it difficult to be strong and give good advice to someone else when you are also feeling hurt. Explain that it is normal to feel abnormal. There is no certain way that a person going through their parent’s divorce has to act.
Be Available: Let him or her know that you will be available to talk at any time
Be Honest: Don’t try to reassure a friend or sibling by saying that the parents will get back together, this will just make it more disappointing if they don’t
Accept Emotions: Allow him or her to be angry and express it in any reasonable way that he or she wants
Be a good listener: You have to listen well to respond well and give appropriate advice
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