When a stepfamily first gets together it’s not always pretty. Nerves are on edge, no one knows how to act, and everyone has to make compromises. If you’ve got stepbrothers or sisters it might be even more bizarre – does your parent really expect you to share a room with this person?? Are you not allowed to walk around in a towel anymore after you take a shower? Who’s gonna drive you to school or cook dinner? The dynamics of forming a new family might be strange at first – there’s so much to think about and get used to. But don’t worry, you’re not alone!

No matter what the media says, being part of a stepfamily takes time and patience. Shows like The Brady Bunch make it look so easy, but we all know that’s not real life. The movie Stepmom starring Julia Roberts is probably more accurate – relationships take time, and families form slowly. Here’s some advice for YOUR real life situation!

So you’ve got a stepparent…

• It takes time! Be patient with building a relationship with your stepparent. With any luck, you’ve started this process while your parent was dating or seeing him or her. Get to know your stepparent and try to find things you’ve got in common.

• Give your stepparent a chance. Make sure you give your stepparent the chance to get to know you – chances are they are trying pretty hard!! Who knows, maybe your stepmom is also really into classic movies, or your stepdad listens to music even louder than you do.

• Show respect. Remember that your stepparent is an authority figure – he or she is stepping into a parent’s role. On the other hand, you probably won’t be exactly happy if your stepparent is giving you new rules to follow and doling out crazy consequences. Talk to your parent about slowly giving the stepparent more authority.

• Find a better way. Avoid playing the “you’re not my REAL parent” card. It usually just hurts your stepparent and makes things worse.

• Honesty. Try to be as open and honest as possible, both with your parent and your stepparent. Remember that your stepparent is part of your family – you should try to act like yourself around him or her.

• Just us. Make sure you get some alone time with your parent. That way you won’t start to feel jealous or resent the time that your parent and stepparent spend together.

• Keeping in touch. If your parents are divorced or separated, make sure you stay in contact with the parent you do not live with. Make it clear to your parent and stepparent that you also have a commitment to your other parent.

Dealing with the step-siblings

• Friends or siblings? It might be weird at first – you don’t FEEL like this person is your brother or sister, so how are you supposed to treat him or her? Try to start out on good terms and build a relationship. Be honest about your limits and your personal space.
  
• Guidelines and limits. Make sure that your whole family has a chance to set some boundaries. You’ll want to have some agreements with your step-sibling about what’s cool and what just doesn’t fly. Think about things like personal space, borrowing, and chores.
  
• What now? Try to find stuff that you all like to do. That way you can start spending time with your step-siblings and get to know them.
  
• Avoid rivalries. Don’t get stuck in a vicious ring of pulling pranks and spreading rumors with your step-sibling. Even if you can’t get along, get help from your parents or a counselor instead of resorting to hurting each other.

The big move in
At some point in the process of becoming part of a stepfamily you’ll either live with them or just come for a visit. There are three possibilities at this point – you’ll either move into their house, welcome them into your own home, or start out living with them at a new house. If it’s a new house, it will probably feel like a “neutral space.” That means that it won’t feel like your step-siblings or stepparent is invading your space; you also won’t feel awkward about moving into a home that is theirs and not yours. For these situations you might need some more specific advice!

If you’re moving in…
Make sure you’ve got your own space. You deserve to treat this as your home, too!

If they’re moving in…
Be welcoming but don’t give up the things you need (like privacy, space, time with your parent, etc.) Remember that you all live here now, so it should feel like home to everyone.