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How To Deal With Dating Abuse
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When entering into any type of relationship, it is important to establish boundaries, limitations and be trustworthy and honest. Communication is key in any type of interaction, whether intimate or casual. Remember, this goes both ways.
Jealousy is a natural human emotion that takes over our mind once in a while. It reaches an extreme point when you or your partner becomes angry that the other is talking to someone else, has good friends outside of the relationship, or expresses warm feelings for another person. When either person becomes withdrawn, angry and abusive when jealous, things have gone too far. It is difficult for individuals who have been abused in the past, to recognize their abusive behavior as wrong or inappropriate. Abuse is a learned behavior about power and control that can and must be corrected. Love, intimate or even causal relationships while never easy, should never be emotionally or physically painful.
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Recognize An Abusive Relationship – Warning Signs
Jealousy and possessiveness are signs that a person may become abusive
Partner will embarrass you in front of your friends of family
You are not allowed to do certain things you want to do or without them
Your partner chooses your friends and clothes that you wear
Your partner uses physical force to make you obey
You are blamed for their feelings and actions
You find yourself making excuses for your partner’s behavior
You are constantly afraid of how your mate will act; afraid to leave relationship
You feel like your partner is never happy with you no matter what you do
You become a different person; start to believe you are making partner angry
Puts down goals and accomplishments
Your partner is inflexible
There is a history of abuse (either was abused of has abused in past relationships)
Abuser has low self-esteem
Your partner is “hot and cold”, either really nice or really mean
You are forced into traditional gender roles
Promises are made to you that aren’t kept
Violence and threats are used to control you
Get Out of Unhealthy Situation
If you are not comfortable with dating partner, trust your instincts
Try to listen to warnings from friends and family
Don’t feel obligated to help partner change; remember is not your fault
Don’t threaten to break up
Come up with a survival plan to keep you safe until you can get out
Call a shelter, you may remain anonymous
Do not cut off friends and family because they want you to end relationship
Get protection; take abuse seriously
Approach The Abuser
Try not to be alone with abuser
Explain that his/her anger frightens you, with someone there for support
Advise them to get help from someone outside of relationship to change behavior
Come up with a plan for when you are being abused
Keep track of abuse for proof somewhere abuser will not find it
Get Help
Always tell someone where you are going and when you plan to return
Know the facts and know your rights
Talk with parents, friends, guidance counselor, religious leader or someone you trust
Seek professional help from a crisis center, hotlines, youth organizations, or health services
Give yourself time to heal and time away from dating
Help a Friend Who Is Being Abused
Pay attention to warning signs or a cry for help
Offer support, express concerns but do not be judgmental
Be positive and remind them of or point out their strengths to rebuild self-esteem
Encourage your friend to get help; learn about state abuse laws (restraining orders)
Never get directly involved, that could be dangerous
Report abuse if you actually witness it happening
Do not overreact; find out how they want to handle their situation
Help An Abusive Friend/Family Member
Offer to seek help with your friend
Let them know that you understand how difficult and embarrassing it is to realize something so terrible about yourself
Be patient
Do not let them make excuses for abusive behavior; help them take responsibility
Let them know there is help for them; abusive behavior is learned; they can change
Emphasize that assault is a crime; need to learn the facts
Remind them of the loved ones they will lose
Realize the Truth About Abuse
Overtime abuse gets worse
Cannot change an individual
Abuse is not your fault
You are not alone
If you are scared of your partner, it is abusive
Know that you deserve better
Anger does not warrant violence or verbal abuse
Move On
You need to find someone who respects and treats you well after you have healed. Have a clear definition of what a healthy relationship means and accept nothing less. Once you have done that, remember that communication, decision-making, and problem solving skills are vital in a good relationship. Having outlets for anger and good coping skills are also important. Abuse, no matter what form, is never the answer.
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